Yoshi’s Noteboard 2.0
Write About NowArchive for Personal
Power in weakness
I’m being reminded again and again over the last few months how weak and incorrigible I am. I cannot stop myself sinning when I want to, I find pride so entrenched just when I think I’ve reached new depths of humility.
I still work so slowly, and am so inefficient with the time I’ve been given. But each day comes as a gift, and no other time in my life have I been grateful for each breath, each step. And as I rejoice in each smile, hug and embrace of the Lord, I know the meaning of my life is found not in what I can do or have done, but in who I am becoming.
Perhaps true obedience is not as easy as some people make it seem to be. I have yet to learn that lesson.
Entering a New Phase
I’ve never trained formally as a basketball player, although sometimes I wish I had. I find I still fumble at my fundamentals, after all these years. Sometimes I get to play, sometimes not… especially when the conditions are not right. And since my early days, when my many efforts saw missed shots and devastating disappointments, I have since honed my skills and developed accuracy, confidence and team awareness.
But, I realize a yawning lack still, and try as I might, I know there are many things that I still have not trained for. My footwork is erroneous and my passing too predictable. I get too tense under pressure. My game style is too boring.
I am super gung ho for the game right now, but I have also learnt not to be too hung up on it either, and risk fouling out the joy. When my fear of failure makes another pass at me, I freeze. So I’m learning to relax and take the plays as they come, although I’m still missing baskets, losing games.
But today, I will reach for the ball again and begin anew.
[ps. This post isn't about basketball.]
Randomize Thy Blog
Ok. The Lord told me to blog. Yeah, He’s cool. He got me into basketball, jogging, foosball, and Kluang and writing and… 
I’ve been holding a few ideas in my head since the last time I wrote about being fleeced in my greek exam. And turns out that even the greek sentence I constructed was grammatically WRONG. Wakakakaka…
But, aside the frustrations at not being able to SCORE at Greek (which keeps me humble), and having to deal with my terrible work ethic, I am having farn.
I had a good game of basketball on Wednesday. Won two of the full-court games comfortably, with different scratch teams. (And I’m quite pleased at the success of the strategy change and the practices of lay-ups done the day before.)
I’m making progress on my Romans paper, but too slowly (for my own good). Will be going to Melaka this weekend, God willing, for food (ugh), Scrabble and fellowship, which although ‘relaxing’, will mean less time for work. I have one more month to finish all remaining papers. Things look a little better than they were last year at this time, but I’m still behind in most things. However, I am happy to say that I’ve been so much more punctual (if not early) for my appointments, which bodes well for consideration of other ’self-development’ initiatives.
In short, I’m still enjoying life. And although I still feel I could know more Scripture, be more caring, or more efficient in the way I do stuff and handle my time, I know that pleasing God lies not in the future, but in the calm assurance of His pleasure and acceptance in the day to day. And His burdens have not been heavy.
Happily misunderstood
I’m glad that most people misunderstand me. It gives me the opportunity to be creative and unpredictable. It also gives me the added option of turning an unexpected broadside on unwitting trouble-makers. The joy of seeing their faces- the jaws dropping, the angry eyes and the furrowing of the brow; I think that is enough to make my day. “I can’t believe Yoshua could have said that!” whether it was for good or for bad.
I’m not as ‘holy’ or ‘godly’ as some people perceive me to be. Nor am I as perverted or hypocritical as others might believe. I can remain invisible and insoluble to most, as you will only know me based on how much I divulge.
As most would know, things are not that complicated. Or are they?
Twenty Nine Years of His Faithfulness
On this day of all days, when an insignificant event made its way into the subconscious of a few score individuals and wonderful people of this blessed earth; the intentions in the heart of The Supreme Being became hidden, encapsulated in the tiny sinews of understandings that make up the fabric of this lesser being, which when fully formed in Christ, would never cease to bring Him the highest praise, seeking not its own glory, but to the One whom created the Heavens and Earth, that it may in some small way contribute to the chorus of glory that ascends to the Throne in daily worship.
Thank you... to those who contributed to the Wings of Yoshua, my deepest gratitude! You will see its use in days to come .
To the rest who sent sms-es and greetings, I know the responsibility of living brings with it its own hazards, but one can live hazard-ful and yet bring about greater good. May the Most High be glorified in all our futile efforts. Amen.
Can nothing be something?
Easy
Valentine’s Day was uneventful, but fun. Spent the morning and early afternoon going through with my sis some points on “The Art of Meaning”- trying to define art for what it is, and how it contributes towards meaning. Then in the afternoon, met up with an old friend, Cheng Wee:
Housemates in da 'hood... breakfast taken in 2005, Cheng Wee standing. Cool guy, cool hair.
The evening was spent in YF. We had a blast: games, writing whacked out love letters, etc. Jit shared a short message on love and keeping one’s heart pure; and the place was done up swimmingly by Josie and her team. Even the songs were apt (Well done everyone!).
Medium
Even as I have been mulling over the progress of various ‘ministries’- one consistent event is recurring: that we are under some kind of ‘dampening influence’, both as individuals and as groups. And I am starting to ponder on the (lack of) progress of some of the Kluang youth. There has been breakthroughs in some lives, but others have either stagnated or diminished in fervour/understanding/insight. This is distressing when there is so much more ground to cover, and I wonder whether their faith will hold up when the tide of darkness covers all.
I myself struggle to “keep in step with the Spirit“, but I am being reminded of the importance of putting love into every action. This means pausing to know, understand and celebrate the people around me, who they are becoming and who they have become. This may also mean accepting the possibilities of independent thinking, even if it means foregone conclusions of failure, or so I think lah. But love can also open one’s mind to deeper and wider things.
In the Zone
Complacency, disobedience and unaccountability are recurring sins. Although certain other ‘elemental spirits’ are more neutralized, other ’sins of omission’ are equally damaging to one’s spiritual growth. I have been finding it hard to focus, and have not been praying enough. There are improvements in other areas- time management, awareness and reading. But a nagging issue still remains. Baby, I need to go kite-flying.
When you step out
and move beyond the shadows of leaving
A void of clear crystal
envelopes my mistaken longings
There is no way to know for certain
Whether you will ever return
As a guest or as a light bearer
For the days are shrouded with questions without conclusions
And as the hours grow longer
and the growing darkness reminds me of a distant call
The memories of failure are my only companions
On a road with no followers
Fell me and leave me to wander.
On love and marriage
Being anal and/or constipated can sometimes describe a relationship. Don't ask me how.
One of the greatest things that annoy me about people who just get together is the fact that they want everyone else who is single to be like them, or to feel their joy. I think its quite nice and kind but I guess I’m still a bit too overly touchy about statements like, “don’t wait too long ya,” and “see what a relationship can do for you?” I know I’m not strong enough to deflect everything in a nice and courteous manner, but so far I’ve been surviving.
All the facts (except one, which I will list below) show to me that a relationship only means trouble. First, you get emotional instability. Second, you have to spend spend spend unnecessarily, just so that the other can return ‘love’ (time is also a commodity) and third, there is no guarantee that all this hassle will work out, and it may not be your fault at all! So, what is the whole point of having to get together? (don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe in the whole ‘casual dating’ or ‘casual relationships’ thing either, which is much worse than even getting into one)
However, the only thing that keeps my mind open towards developing a long term relationship in view of marriage is the possibility of character building. I know my pride needs alot of humbling, and I also know (for a fact) that marriage is one of the best crucibles for something as deep and far-reaching as this. It would teach me how to accomodate, be more patient (both with her and myself) and to learn how to be more sensitive, qualities which are good and necessary that I believe will help me in understanding others better. “What about love?” someone asked. For now, I think love is a choice. (and most of my choices have been denied. Blame it on my lack of sensitivity to the other’s needs/situation)
And so, even as I sit here and refuse to budge at all the ‘well-meaning recommendations’ of my friends, I pray that God will grant me the patience and serenity to wait for the right time. Because I believe that is the first place to learn about love.
How the New Year feels like
2009 feels like a new shirt, nicely designed, branded and waiting to be worn. I’ve started doing alot of new stuff beginning this week- reading, got in at least three 3-point shots in a game (I had resolved to extend my range), working with more teams, and learning how to slow down (in terms of activities) but speed up (in terms of prayer).
I’ve also started drafting a (long put-off) series on “What is Christianity?” which is to be done in conjunction with a training course for BB and Eden youth, and I hope to begin a series of lectures in YF based on expository-style preaching on the book of Romans, God willing. Even the blog is spanking new. Yay!
My mind is being renewed by the Lord within the framework of my new responsibilities, and I know I need to keep going. “…a thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you…” Ps 91:7
My first failure of 2009
Talk to me
and tell me how much everything will not work out
tell me that you do not know me
or trust me
and think that I’m some presumptuous jerk
of the magnificent fall
I wonder when the next jump would
present itself
and I, like the Quixotic klutz I have always been
will once again take up his trusty lance
and begin prodding again
Rescue me from my foolishness, O Lord
or at least put me out of my misery once and for all
why do I like to run ahead of You so often, in these matters
and let my pristine reputation be reduced to fertilizer
It’s starting to become a pattern
and I’m starting to not trust myself or my uncontrollable urges
And the pain of failure is so great
I could almost castigate myself.
